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Help Me Be Me is an emotional toolkit for creating positive change in yourself. I like to think of it as self-help for people who hate self-help. I'm Sarah May, coach/author/all-around happy person, and these are the tools that work for me in my life. For all of my offerings you can check out YayWithMe.com What I share on this show is my personal opinion. It's not a diagnosis for treatment or a substitute for professional help. If you're suffering, please reach out to your local emergency services or call 9-1-1. Find this podcast on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/sarahmayb

Help Me Be Me

What is love bombing? It’s a term used to describe the initial phase of a relationship when someone is trying to “seal the deal” with intoxicating affection. The person connects quick and hard, often validating you in ways you have craved your whole life; saying all the things you want to hear, treating you like you have dreamed of being treated. They make you feel seen and adored, which is why it’s so confusing and painful when it ends. 

 

A lot of people ask me, what happened to that person? Was it not real? It was real for you in your personal experience – however the person who enacted it was not portraying their true self. A person like this usually collects fans. They collect adorers, and they get off on the feeling of control. So I describe it often as a person with a different kind of brain. More on this plus some tools in this episode. This is for one person in particular but also meant for anyone who has fallen for a person who immediately disposed of you after you thought they were the one. And if you’ve been love-bombed and then deeply wounded, I send you much love. Hang in there. xox

 

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Ep 257: Love Bombing – What it is, why it happens

Are you being loving or are you enabling someone to remain dysfunctional? How do you tell? If you are a person who finds you are enraged and triggered by a relationship in your life and you feel powerless, this episode is about imbalanced relationships where one person is overactive and another person is underactive and how that “sick system” self-perpetuates despite everyone having good intentions. If you are unsure whether or not you are codependent, ask yourself – do you obsess about the way another person lives their life and does it make you miserable? Are you finding yourself being put in compromising situations because of that person? This episode might be a helpful starting point. Also here are a few must-reads!

Codependent No More

https://amzn.to/4ooLFfW

Courage to Change

https://amzn.to/3HgpAzC

The Dance of Anger

https://amzn.to/45kZlQj
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Ep 256: Caregiver Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries

The alt name for this episode was “Ask More of Yourself” but that felt kind of agro. A lot of success in life happens in tiny micro changes. This episode is to help you curate the mindset of “I got this” as you move through your day. This is about building agency and momentum via seeing success as something small. Keeping a perspective of our own ability, sense of agency, and curating a feeling of “I got this” as we move through challenging times or new, fear-inducing territory. 

Stick around for the tools in this one! This has tips for staying in the channel of focus on what you’re doing right. Appreciating life in the exertion periods and giving yourself an awareness snap of, “Oh, wow, it’s actually not so hard, and I can do this” We can get that snap of clarity when we can look at a loved one from a generation past or the long hours demanded of an Olympic athlete. That concept of empowered endurance and self-motivation is a reset for our day to day toils. Sending love… you are so much stronger than you think, right now.

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Ep 255: Seeing Success as Small: a path to growth

If you’re struggling with trying to keep a handle on your
own beliefs in the face of a person with a strong ego, as in a romantic
relationship or parental relationship where they talk you out of your feelings
or tell you that you’re wrong, this is for you! A lot of people struggle
to self-validate. You might defer to another person’s opinion or have a person in your life who talks you out of your beliefs, even if you feel strongly about them the moment you have them. When we are feeling insecure and second guessing ourselves, we are looking for grounding. In the spin – as I call it. We cannot discern the truth – it is illusive to us. We keep thinking “I feel this way! Am I wrong?” What we need to recognize in that moment of that feeling is that we need to back up from the issue and get a wider perspective. The issue is co-created by us and another person and the solution is a longer but accessible one. This episode is about creating a dose of perspective with context and tools. Often what this comes down to is we are struggling to believe our feelings and trust ourselves and often the other person is controlling us. That might be sinister or it might be totally innocent and invisible to that person. For example, it could be a person who doesn’t want you to leave them. Or it could be a parent who can’t see you any other way than a child. The reason this becomes toxic and unhealthy is when it prevents you from growth. If you have a light inside you that wants to grow, to stand on your own two feet and be the boss of yourself – then this is for you. 

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BOOK
recos for this episode:

Intimate
Partners

https://amzn.to/4kCyBQU

Dance
of Anger

https://amzn.to/3Iqob9T

Courage
to Change

https://amzn.to/44La6en

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Ep 254: Being Seated in Self: Setting Boundaries Confidently

This is about expanding your consciousness using moments of emptiness and dissatisfaction as a starting point. I will invite you to widen your capacity and open your energy to a higher level by “using the material” that is the dissatisfaction. Lots of tools in this one. If you feel like you’ve been living loops of stagnation and have been unable to see what is blocking your happiness – like “I am doing all the right things, why do I feel empty?” Feeling that something is missing, that we need something to fix us or
fill the void…Or being spiritually starved by your environment…Or the intimate relationships never pan out or become what we had hoped. A lot of this comes into play when we are following a bunk map – we set a goal that is a 2D snapshot and think “I just need this and then I am done!” But happiness is about growing in three dimensions, inwardly. So where to go from here? Lean into your humanity and set the goal to go deeper. We need our humanity and connection to others on an authentic level. We need to utilize our truth and creativity and feel a worthiness in our experiences. It comes from our sense of spirituality: a sense of trust and faith in the universe. We need our own version of “God” whatever that might be, and if you don’t have that, you can grow it by taking small steps.

The books I mentioned (True and False Magic) https://amzn.to/4luF8Ot

And Notes to George: https://amzn.to/4kgc3Fo

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Ep 253: Happiness Growth: Stopping the Loop of Dissatisfaction

If you’ve been unable to let go of a relationship or a part of you feels tethered to it, it could be in part the longing for the feeling of completeness. Breakups are also losses of routine and a feeling that we are not alone in the world. A lot of the loss is that concept of our life, not the person we are partnered with and who they are in reality. One thing we can move through as we process a breakup is the loss of that ideal: what we wanted the relationship to be, wished it would become, visualized it would
be in the future. Separate from that we can respect the real reasons the
relationship ended: who the other person was and why it was not sustainable. That’s what this episode is about: negotiating the two sides to a loss of a partner: the loss of the idea – the mirror we saw of ourselves. And then the loss of the other person. I think in the mourning/healing process we get confused about which feelings are coming from where, which can make closure difficult. You might have had a really bad relationship but some part of you felt reliant on it – this can be confusing in the wake of moving on. Regardless if you’re suffering I recommend therapy for this stage of healing. Sending love!!

Here is the book I mentioned that I am reading:

https://amzn.to/4kNQj4P

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Ep 252: Breakup Loss: The Mirror of Completeness

There comes a time when we take stock of our lives and ask whether or not it’s still working for us. That might be our self-definition, our career, our relationship, or all of the above. You might arrive at this by accident, as in a health issue that forces the wake up, or you might simply recognize the feeling and ask, “Why am I so numb and unfulfilled?” This is an episode to help you look at whatever value system you have gotten lost within so you can set better boundaries around it. Often times we get seduced by external definitions of a path and we pour ourselves into it, never stopping to question whether or not it’s really rewarding for us. Other times we just grow out of it and we need to stop and reassess if a change is needed. Sending love!

 

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Ep 251: A Midlife Reckoning - Reassessing Happiness

This is for complicated relationships with complicated boundaries, for example when you are stuck in a relationship you dislike, or you are dating but have gone through a life shift, so you fear choosing the wrong person. The reason I chose this topic is often when we are not fully activating
our boundaries around the concepts of what we want and what rewards us, we allow a situation or another person to decide our future, for us. So something external will push us into a long-term situation that we never actively wanted or designed. When we are not fully solved as individuals, we may not know why we are not happy, what is not sitting right, and whether or not that’s “valid” for us to feel what we feel. In other words – there is a vagueness to our own feelings and we question ourselves, which keeps us more stuck in a situation. 

We may be emotionally ambivalent or have opposite feelings in a relationship, like dating when you are a single parent: any new relationship might bring up opposing priorities that need to be defined for a first time. Although the situations I discuss are very
different, walking into them with awareness of how you feel and simply giving yourself an opportunity to process feelings can be incredibly helpful and enlightening. Heads up there are TONS of journaling prompts in this one! 

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Ep 250: Boundarying Conflicting Relationships

Are you feeling anxious, overwhelmed and insecure? This is
full of tools for creating an inner sense of sanctuary: a clarity and calm.
This is designed for artists and sensitive types who are more open and
therefore porous to the world. We take in a lot, feel a lot, and can become
inundated with “feedback” which can be heavy to say the least. It’s important to cleanse your energy periodically: to tune your focus and reaffirm a helpful, positive reality versus a negative one. I offer tools and reflections for how to recalibrate your energy toward positivity. So zhuzhing up the inside through manual practices. Sending love! Here are the spiritual books I referenced and if they trigger you in any way, skip them and forget I brought them up! There’s a lot of “new” thinking in these…

E Squared

Inner Work

You Are Psychic

The Seat of the Soul

Many Lives, Many Masters

Notes to George: The
Whisper

 

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Ep 249: Emotional Reinforcement - Building Confidence with Love

We often get decision paralysis or feel intense anxiety around actions that need to be taken, especially when we perceive the stakes to be high. Even if you feel like the answer is obvious it can be really hard to trust yourself, which leads many to ask others to make the decisions for them. What we often feel is a dominant fear of hurting someone else or letting go of something familiar. This intense resistance is another shape of codependency or the group of traits associated with being parentified at a young age.

This is an episode to help you move through difficult, anxiety provoking decisions even when you feel intensely ambivalent and fear mis stepping. The trick is to make decisions despite the feeling in your body – to make moves strategically based on what you conceptually KNOW is the next best thing to do. Feeling afraid if often just our body saying “this is going to cost me a lot of energy and I don’t want to go through it.” It’s an energy-saving resistance and not reflective of the actual pain that this thing will cause. This is an episode to help you walk through something that your body is currently resisting. What we think will happen if we move through hard stuff is that it will take a long time or we will lose control and or stop functioning. While triggering moves can stir the muck of our pond, they also lighten us and free us up: they grow our muscles and strengths as we evolve in our lives. This has a lot of tools and ways to come back home to self: come from love, use your own best thinking, let the rest go.

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Ep 248: Learning to Act While Anxious – Growing Trust in Self

This is for anyone who struggles with thoughts that are self-critical and deactivating. Our goal with this episode is beginning to teach ourselves to not attach or engage with the thoughts that aren’t serving us, and more importantly – stopping ourselves in the process of scripting out narratives that create negative future outcomes. This is really about practicing non-reactivity and non-judgment in the face of thoughts or feelings. And to do that we have to recognize when it’s happening to us and rehearse a new process. We can retrain our brain and reset the grooves that have set in. A lot of the pain we experience in life is the pain we tell ourselves to feel - including when it comes to feeling bad about ourselves. 
This was a request – I hope it helps and sending much love!

For more of my work and to make a donation you can head to YayWithMe.com xo!
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Ep 189: Self-Compassion – Untraining unhelpful thought patterns

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