Published on 23 May 2019. In this episode we discuss the important difference between competence and confidence and look at the dangers of focusing too much on building up your self esteem. We explore the “gift of failure” and why, sometimes, it’s better to let children fail than to try and make them feel better. We learn why frustration is a vital and important piece of the learning process, why we must consider the inevitability of failure, and we uncover “one of the most powerful teaching tools” you can use to learn, grow, and improve with our guest Jessica Lahey.Jessica Lahey is a teacher, writer, and author. She is an expert contributor for The Atlantic and the New York Times, and is the author of the New York Times bestseller, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. She is also a member of the Amazon Studios Thought Leader Board.The trajectory of parenting today into “overparenting” is dangerous and worrisome Propping up kids self confidence and telling them how wonderful they are has done children a serious disservice Kids today are more anxious, less interested in taking risks, less interested in learning, and less interested in being brave. They don’t have any experience trying and screwing things up and learning how to do things better. There has been a big drop-off in interest in learning, motivation for learning, and self awareness - all because of the self esteem movementWhen the vision of them being super talented doesn’t match up with their reality - having struggles and problems, which are inevitable - the disconnect creates serious problems for kids and erodes their trust in their parents. Kids become confused. At an early age - turn it around and ask your kids “What do YOU think?” Instead of just telling them they are brilliant. Help them build an internal compass for quality. To succeed - kids must be able to take feedback.It never gets easy to withhold praise from your kids and give them real feedback - but it’s vitally important. Emphasize the PROCESS over the END PRODUCT in what you praise 90% of kids feel like we love them more when they bring home high grades. The dangers of “outcome love” or “performance love” and why its highly destructive to kids on an emotional levelWhen your kids fail - that’s not the end point, that's the starting point for learning. Are you a parent listening to this who says “but I really do care about results, I care about grades” not this other BS - what should you do?How can we redesign our schools and learning system to focus on mastery instead of cramming and playing games?Kids feel like they can’t take to their parents when their parents become super fixated on grades. Focus on the long term - how do you want to shape your kids in the future? Not just this one particular grade or issue. Be an “autonomy supportive parent” and focus on preparing your kids to handle this particular challenge or problem NEXT TIME not just this immediate moment or problemWhy frustration is a vital and important piece of the learning process. Support your kids frustration and let them learn to direct themselves. What is “desirable difficulty?” And why is it “one of the most powerful teaching tools” we have?Kids who can’t be frustrated fall apart whenever they face difficulty. The way to overcome learned helplessness is to give your children autonomy and control. The reality is that failure is inevitable - and it's very dangerous to make our kids brittle in the face of a difficult and challenging world.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices