Three questions:

1) What constitutes modern art? A sieve without a handle, a misshapen squash? Esthers patience with the Turner Prize has reached its limit.

2) What’s the difference between a banana and a phone? ...what's a banana?

3) What’s the first rule of customer relations? The customer is always a tw@t.

Plus, the positives of Oxbridge sliding down the university league tables.

And saving the best till last, look out for Giles and Esther’s absolutely fabulous Jane Horrocks impressions.

** Contains strong language from the start

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