Episode 19: Mind Body troubles of my own this past week

WAF Episode 19

Hello!

Welcome to episode 19 of the Winning at Fibromyalgia podcast! I feel a weird sense of pride that I am inching toward the number 20.

First of all, I want to acknowledge the tragedy and injustice going on in Ukraine. I am originally from Slovakia and during the era of Soviet union, Slovakia had Russian/Soviet military bases all over the country. We were still Czechoslovakia when we came under the political influence of the Soviet union in 1948. We were their “satellite” state until 1989 when the Velvet revolution happened and Communism and Soviet union fell apart. I do NOT know war. My heart goes out to ALL the Ukrainians who did NOT sign up for this, who did NOT ask to be invaded. I am completely horrified by what unfolded this week. I hope and pray for miracles on the ground there.

I held my first virtual training on chronic pain last week, it was a success, I had one attendee who was a rheumatologist comment that she learned more from my presentation than she did in her fellowship. That was so good to hear and just solidified my conviction to continue doing this work. I will be doing more of these and I will always post on my website. So if you are not subscribed to my website, please do so right now so that you can be kept abreast of what is going on  www.winningatfibromyalgia.com

So today, I am going to share with you how life and mind and the body are interconnected in my OWN life. I teach my clients somatic tracking and fierce self-compassion and I practice it myself, but it does not always go as I want it to.

So this past week was my vacation week and it started off well enough. I gave the virtual talk on Fibromyalgia on Saturday. I joined a virtual coaching program for female physicians on Sunday. Life was good  I had big plans for how I am going to declutter my basement office  and all the things I was going to do for my business.

On Tuesday, while exploring cape cod with my son I found out I was on call for Rheumatology. ON my vacation – big fail in planning on my end. But it did not take too long, and I was able to solicit one of my colleagues help in switching the call. Which was great Except the staff would contact me basically every day until Friday about one or the other thing happening with my patients. I gently re-directed them to an on-call provider.

Then, an upsetting situation related to a close family member/members was culminating on Wednesday/Thursday. I do not have permission to share publicly but it has to do with rejection – I asked to be somewhere with a close family member, and I was told no. And I did not take it well. I felt rejected, hurt and I took it personally. So I said some harsh words – something along the lines, don’t ever contact me again then. The story already started unfolding 2 months ago but it was kind of culminating this week.

On Thursday I had a planned appointment for pelvic ultrasound due to some health issues I am dealing with. I woke up Thursday morning with a pelvic/bladder type of pain. I am not kidding you. I was initially surprised and still a little sleepy trying to figure out what is happening. And then it dawned on me – my body is experiencing pain IN ANTICIPATION of the pelvic ultrasound! I was completely fascinated. This has never happened to me like that before so that was all new to me. I lay down in bed and decided to try a little somatic tracking. And it worked! Within minutes, probably. I basically was sitting with that pain (actually I was laying down but you get the point), I was trying to describe it to myself, the best I could, and was telling my brain, listen buddy, I know what is going on, we don’t like the pelvic ultrasound, it can be annoying but our track record of surviving these is 100 percent – that’s pretty good right? So why don’t you let go. So that got better. I was so relieved.

Then I checked the news and found out about the attack on Ukraine – and almost immediately my back started hurting. In between my shoulder blades. Stabbing/burning, annoying pain I get mostly with driving, or when I have to work longer than I want to basically anytime I engage in activities I don’t fully enjoy or when I cannot relax.

Then I had the said ultrasound – and it was not normal but again, nothing horribly major. Then more news on Ukraine. And then I was reminded again about the sore family situation when I felt rejected (I still do).

So most of these things were out of my control. And they were affecting me. And I felt I was kind of losing it. I was catastrophizing and exaggerating: The world is falling apart (although one could argue that when innocent people are being slaughtered the world really is falling apart); my body is falling apart and my family is rejecting me. I needed help.

I did ask for help and received a lot of online support and suggestions on how to deal with the overwhelm over the news of war in Ukraine. One perspective stood out – from a friend who grew up in war time. She wrote: “I grew up in wartime. It started when I was 3 years old and went on for 8 years. I remember rationed oil, good and the long lines in front of bakeries and supermarkets. I missed schools and so many final exams. I well remember the red alarm and my parents rushing us out the door to go take shelter under the staircase. I remember the taped windows and the ruins of the bombed sites. War was ingrained into our lives from the beginning. It was part of our household, part of our daily life. We were awaiting the red alarm every damn night and having fun to reunite with the neighbors under the staircase or in the parking garage. …Life was going on. We were traveling, meeting with friends, celebrating birthdays at the same time that we were lining up outside phone kiosks after each attack to call our loved ones to make sure they are alive”. She was a young child, the war was engrained in her upbringing. This is not to diminish he tragedy of what is happening. My friend’s words were: This may sound absurd, but the passion and hope for living always overcomes killing…Its time for us to stop hate and war.

This gave me perspective. It is ok for me to be upset over the world’s events. It is ok for ALL of US to be upset. Because what is happening is horrid and unjust. At the same time, I am not helping anyone by freaking out. So I took a pause, I took a pause to breathe, to collect myself, to decide what to do next. While not being ok with all of this. But taking the pause and breathing did help me calm my brain. I felt at peace – still upset but realizing that I cannot help anyone by wrecking my mind and body over this. It helps to be calm and maybe plan out my next steps on how I can help.

My Doctor called me about the ultrasound the next day and we discussed the findings. She told me my options. I heard her out, without freaking out. I am not dying.

My situation with my family is not sorted out. When I am ready I will reach out to apologize for my harsh words. And we will see what happens. They may choose to forgive or not. We may be in each other’s lives again or we may not. IN the meantime, I am giving myself grace and patience and love. Because nobody else will love me and be my best friend if I am not my best friend first. If I don’t give myself what I need, nobody else will do it. That’s the thought I want to leave you all tonight. Meet yourself where you are at, give yourself all the love and all that you need. Like you would do to someone you truly love and care about. Because that person is you first.

Warmly

Martina Ziegenbein, MD

From my friend’s FB page:

1. Write a letter to your MP asking to remove Russia from the SWIFT payment system and establish a No Fly zone over Ukraine. I have provided templates in the comments.

2. Educate yourself and others. Remain aware of your sources and be wary of disinformation.

3. Sign this petition to help limit civilian casualties and give Ukraine a fighting chance. https://www.change.org/CloseTheSky 4. Donate. Below is a list of organizations, all vetted by Ukrainians either in Ukraine or Canada.

https://unitedhelpukraine.org/...

OR https://www.facebook.com/UnitedHelpUkraine.org/

https://www.redcross.ca/ (The federal government will match donations made to the Canadian Red Cross to help bring humanitarian relief to Ukraine)

https://bcufoundation.com/donate-today/ (Friends of Ukraine Defense Forces Fund (FUDF Fund)

https://www.ucc.ca

https://savelife.in.ua/en/donate/ (a Ukrainian organization operating on the grounds in Ukraine; I would hold off on this one since all banks are currently frozen and therefore relief efforts must be through other sources)

For other resources on how you can help as well as information on what is going on from people on the ground, please visit: linktr.ee/RazomForUkraine

Release date

Lydbog: 27. februar 2022